A Conversation About...

A Conversation about Being
Present and Adaptable in Communication

Episode Description

This week, Heather and Flora get real about what it means to truly be present—not with gifts, but with our time, attention, and care. From putting the phone face down during dinner to reading the room in a tough conversation, they talk about how presence shows up in friendships, at work, and in everyday moments.

They share honest stories about balancing approachability and professionalism, setting boundaries when you’re running on empty, and making space for others in a way that feels genuine and inclusive. With December’s chaos pulling everyone in a hundred directions, this conversation is a reminder to slow down, notice the people around you, and show up for them—and yourself—in meaningful ways.

Key Points and Takeaways

  • Being present requires adaptability and flexibility to meet the needs of different situations and people.
  • Inclusivity plays a role in being present by inviting others into conversations and experiences.
  • Balancing approachability and professionalism is important in establishing relationships in professional settings.
  • Self-reflection and setting boundaries are crucial for maintaining one's own well-being and being present for others.
  • The holiday season can be challenging in terms of being present, and it is important to prioritize self-care and set realistic expectations.
Podcast Guest

Flora Yao

Flora Yao is a content designer, online community host, and executive administrator with a focus on visual content creation, iterative coordination, graphic design, communications management, event marketing, and making ideas happen. Since the beginning of TLC, Flora has advanced to the role of executive administrator of Threshold Learning Consultancy and Secretary to the Board of Directors of TLC Nonprofit, drawing on her experience as an online store manager, product design contributor, social media manager, and housekeeping team leader. Outside of her professional work, Flora enjoys caring for early learners within her community and is an avid bird lover. She is a mixed-media artist with training in brand visuals and communications.
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Host: Heather Volchko

Guest: Flora Yao

So this month, we are talking all about presence. Presence as in the “ce” not the “ts”, right? So being present in those interactions. So Flora, for you, when we're talking about being present, what are some of those first things that are coming up for you?

Well, you know, Heather, in this age of technology and stuff like that, we always tend to have our faces in our phones when we're with people. And so for me, if I'm with you and we're talking, like right now, I don't want to be like, "Oh, look, there's a message." And just doing that on the side because I know that you're not going to feel like I'm actually there. Like, oh, there's something else going on that's more important than you. You know, like when my husband and I go on dates, it's turn the phone over, turn the volume off, and look each other in the face and talk. That kind of thing. So, that's a big present thing for me. And I-

That makes a ton of sense. I feel like sometimes in our generation too, we're okay with multitasking. We're okay to have the conversation in front of us as well as virtually. And sometimes simultaneously, but I think I think you're right. Sometimes it can go so far to the, you know, only communicating through the technology that sometimes we forget the actual people that we're sitting in the actual, physical, present moment with.

Right. And I think also paying attention to the conversation that's going on. So, if you and I are having a conversation about, oh, this is what we did last week, you know? You might be okay or I might be okay with a little texting on the side, but if I come to you like, oh my goodness, my pet died and all that  turmoil I'm having and you're on your phone, that's a little different, you know? So, I think paying attention too to what we're talking about and what is the heart of the person that's talking to you, like I really need someone to be listening to me or hey, we're just hanging out, you know? That kind of thing. That's really important, too.

Yeah. I think what you're talking about is kind of a level of authenticity where it's- I mean, we talk about being fully present, right? And if that's truly possible or not, but is it genuine? So, am I just here faking it to be here or am I here because there’s a reason or there's a purpose for me to be here? And I know for me sometimes that's making a reason to be there. Sometimes there are social obligations, especially this time of year, that we just have to show up and be part of.

But sometimes, for me, then that means that I am finding a purpose in that moment so that I can actually be authentically, genuinely there. I think for me it also helps me feel like I'm not just wasting time and what am I doing? It gives me a reason. So something that I can kind of grip on to.

Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah,

I think that kind of leads into adaptability then. Because there are times that I need to be flexible and I need to adapt to whatever- either a conversation is going on or if there's another need that pops up either in a school setting or sometimes, kind of like we're saying through technology, another communication comes in and now I need to shift attention or I don't know. To me it's just like I'm needing to be adaptable, I'm needing to be flexible. But that's also part of being present is that I'm choosing where I'm being present. But I know sometimes I've gotten communications, technologically, been in an interaction in person, but I'll acknowledge the fact that I'm engaging in my technology that, you know, hey, I'm so sorry. I just got this thing. Do you mind if I step out and call this person back or I need to reply to this email real quick, are you okay with that? Right? And I've had people be like, "Oh, no, of course. Do what you need to do”, right? 

And I've had other people that kind of do that frustrated sigh or whatever. But then I think to me, it's okay, then let me acknowledge this person real quick technologically and then attend to this conversation, wrap it up, walk away, and then meet the need of whatever is on the other side of my device. But I think for me that means I need to be flexible, I need to be able to adapt to the needs that are coming in at any given time, but also the needs of the people that I am physically in the space with.


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But then I think, to me, it's okay, then let me acknowledge this person real quick technologically and then attend to this conversation, wrap it up, walk away, and then meet the need of whatever is on the other side of my device. But I think for me, that means I need to be flexible. I need to be able to adapt to the needs that are coming in at any given time, but also the needs of the people that I am physically in the space with.

Heather Volchko

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Right. And I want to point out what you said earlier was really good, where you asked them, hey, is it okay if I go do this and hey, something came up are you all right if I- because then that makes them see that hey I want to be here with you. I do care about you. However, something's going on. Are you okay with this? I think that's really good because they know that you're still there for them, you just really need to take this. And I think that's great, that's a good point.

I guess to me, I don't even think about it. I'm just thinking my experience is whatever is kind of happening around me at that moment and that includes anybody who's around me. But I don't know, maybe there's an aspect of inclusivity that comes with being present. I know we've been in the living room with some friends who are over and you know, in this day and age there's a zillion different group chats with different people and whatever.

Right.

So, something will come through some group chat and maybe two or three people in the room will giggle and other people in the room are like, what’s going on, right? Well, it's, "Hey, check this out." You know? Show this funny whatever came through.

To me, it's just everybody in that moment. So, if some group of people are having an experience, well, then we're inviting the rest of the group into that experience as well. So, I know my husband will put stuff up on the TV and play a funny video that just came through, or something like that, to share that with anybody who was in the space.

Right, never the oh you wouldn't understand or oh it's an inside joke. That's probably not a good thing to do.

It's so dismissive. It- Yeah I don't- To me I just don't even see it that way. But I guess there is maybe an unconscious commitment to inclusivity on my end. That it's if anyone is in that space then they get access to whatever it is that's going on, you know, confidentiality and all that aside. But in a social setting, how to actually be present is maybe just to be inclusive, right? Bring other people into that conversation, even if it is an inside joke. Explain it or catch them up to speed or here's why it's funny to us and even after we explain it'll probably make no sense to you, too but hey, you're welcome into it regardless.

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Bring other people into that conversation, even if it is an inside joke. Explain it or catch them up to speed or here's why it's funny to us and even after we explain it'll probably make no sense to you, too but hey, you're welcome into it regardless.

Heather Volchko

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Oh, yeah. As an introvert, when I'm in a large group of people that I, especially the ones I don't know very well, it's those groups that are telling a joke and then they’re like, hey and bring me into it because I don't know how to just pop into the conversation. But when they draw me in- and you're very good at that, of drawing people in that aren't a normal part of the group, you know? Like, oh somebody just came in or they've only met you a couple times. You're very good at bringing people into that conversation and those are the groups I really appreciate and feel welcomed in and I want to come back there because they included me and I'm not just sitting awkwardly on the side listening to them laugh at a joke that I don't get, you know?

Yeah. But I think that points out a strength of yours, which is like textbook active listening. You can be feeling like you're on the outside of a conversation or people are kind of choosing not to include you in a conversation and you are still present. You provide really good eye contact. You can mirror some of the emotions that are happening in that interaction. You get a feel for what's going on just by scanning a room, right? I'm not talking about eavesdropping or standing awkwardly outside of a conversation and gawking or whatever, right? But you can walk into a space and within a few minutes, kind of have a feel for the dynamics, right? Who's in an okay spot, who's not, who's- just like, you can just get a read for it. But I think some of that is just you are so present in the way that you receive what other people are kind of putting out there and if that's intentionally or not, who knows? In terms of like do they know how they're coming across, but you're pretty spot on. But I think a lot of that is just because you are so active in being so present that you're hearing stuff that people are not even necessarily saying. You're just noticing it.

You know that kind of ties into something we’ve been wanting to talk about with being approachable and professional at the same time. Because something that I have the ability to do, I guess, as you were saying, is to read the people around me. And so in a professional setting, that is key because you want to feel like is this group of people that I'm going to be working with, or I am working with or something like that, are they laidback people? Are they very by the book people? Because I like to make people laugh, as you know, and I really have to read the group of people like, is this an okay- almost like is this a safe place to make jokes or to poke fun at people or that kind of thing because that can make or break the relationships really fast.

And I've had to learn that the hard way in some of my old jobs where I wanted to joke and these people just didn't get my jokes and they weren't those kinds of people and I actually got disciplined in the job for it because it just wasn't the right setting. So, at TLC I was sending emails that were very professional and just very boring, I guess is the right word, and then we all met in person. I got to meet everybody, the jokes were flying, it was wonderful. So now my emails have turned into joking- like my personality could come out. It was a safe place, so to speak, to make jokes. And obviously, there's some boundaries you gotta make sure- you don't want to be unprofessional. But make jokes and put funny gifts in and just make it fun and still be professional. And I know that everybody in this particular professional group is totally open to that and appreciates it, I think, on some level, so.

Yeah, but I think that that came from you kind of engaging in a professional communication, right? Either certain reminders or certain kind of recurring things. So, it can also be kind of like mundane in the sense of there's just like this repetitiveness of it. I think it helped because you set like a clear expectation that this is what this is, here's the expectation, here's what needs to be done, here's the standard routine that it's going to be done with, right? I think you were always very reliable in the sense of it was always at a certain time and that there was a punctuality on your end and you were following up accordingly, right? 

So you kind of set all of that out from the beginning and then to be able to have that open communication and meet people face to face and have some of those natural interactions, now you can pick up on their body language. You can pick up on their kind of natural communication style. It's different than just lobbing messages, if it's email or chat or whatever, back and forth. And then you could start infusing that humor, some warmth, right? You get all that stuff in there and it is still professional, right? It's still very here's what needs to get done and it's still the same reminder. But now there's like a different flare to it, which is super fun, and you've found the balance with that, right?

Right. And I'm not changing myself. I'm just breaking some of the walls down, I guess, of like I can be more myself, but I'm definitely not changing who I am to fit in with the crowd. I'm just making sure that how I am goofy or whatever is okay in this setting and it still can be professional, if that makes sense.

No, that makes a ton of sense. But I think, like what you were saying with it fits in some places and some places it doesn't, to me, that's the balance between kind of your staunch professionalism and maybe your being super approachable, right? Trying to find that balance is being aware of the context that you're in. Right? There are groups that we can be funny and goofy with and then there are moments with that group that are very serious. And so to read that and to shift accordingly, I think that’s balance, right? It’s not I have to be professional or I have to be approachable. Actually to be present is a constant kind of ebb and flow combination of both of them. But I think that comes from that awareness of the context, right? 

But I think what you're speaking to also, is that you were building relationships over time and kind of that slow growth, slow learning, allowed you to read not just the context of the workplace, but the context of the individual and to know kind of where they're at and how can I fit like, oh, this has been a really stressful week, so maybe I can be a little bit warmer in this way or this person's in a really great place. They've had a solid week, they're so excited about these things. I can be super goofy and toss in a couple gifs or whatever. Or like this person has been through it. This has been a heck of a week and so I can approach it maybe a little bit more, you know, less goofy and more just warm and supportive and more maybe minimalistic like you tell me what you need, right? But that's because that relationship has been built over time and you can read the context of the person also within the context of that workplace, you know? I don't know. I think I also appreciate it because you're just so stinking reflective. So I think when I thinking through being present, I wonder if there's an aspect of introspection or kind of self-reflection that's maybe required? Because if we’re not reading the room, or we’re not reading ourselves, or we’re not- you know, if some of those things are just not in the mix, the how could we actually be present?

Now, you've heard the saying, you can't pour from an empty cup, I'm sure. So, yeah, I mean that ties into boundaries and self-care and all that. But if I'm not in a good place, I probably am not in a position to be present for someone. And that's something I had to learn- It took me many, many, many years because I just love pouring into people, but sometimes you just can't. So, sometimes you have to go to a friend and be like, hey, I need you to be present for me. Not in those words. But sometimes you just need someone to be there for you before you can be there for someone else. 

And sometimes we have to just understand that hey I am not in a position. I love you but I am just not in a position to pour into you right now. I'm having a rough time. That kind of thing. And like that vulnerability and that honesty is a big thing in relationships. I don't exactly know how to say that to someone professionally, to be honest. But like in my friend group, I've had to tell people like I just am not in a spot right now. I'm having a rough time. I love you. Maybe I can point you to somebody else that I know can probably help you, but I'm not that person. And that's hard, but it needs to be done in order to take care of yourself. And then once you're all filled up, then you can come back to that person and say, "Hey, I'm I'm here for you. Do you still need somebody to talk to?" or something like that. So, yes, definitely self-reflecting on am I in a position to actually pour into this person 100% or not.

Yeah. No, I can give a couple examples from work because I mean, at least within the consultancy, we get pulled pretty much into only high need situations. Generally speaking, if it's not a high need situation, they probably don't need extra support that we offer. But that does mean that sometimes the team who's on site, they may have been put through it that day. But if I also was on site and I've been put through it that day, a lot of times, like we've got very open communication amongst our team of just like, hey, I need something or I'm good or this is what's going on, what do I do? Like, amongst the on-site support team, we have a lot of just constant, open communication. And that's by design so that when we are walking through hard things, if someone else isn't, there is a built-in natural support network, again through devices and screens, right? 

But there is that level of open communication that also means that sometimes within that expectation of open communication there's going to be moments where I'm like I can't, I am so sorry, right? Like I just walked out of a heck of a meeting or I'm still processing a crisis situation in my own self. And then, like, can I give you a call back in an hour? I want to hear about your day, I want to debrief with you. But I need to kind of debrief my own self here for a second. So like, thank you for reaching out. Yes, we will talk, but can I put a pin in it for a little bit so I can kind of do what I need to do as well? So, I think I'm thankful for being accessible and having that culture of open communication, but I think I'm also incredibly thankful that there is that respect of but that goes two ways, right? 

So, like there are times where I need to be cared for and if that's just myself or if I have- I do something else and have another conversation for me and then I can turn around and care for the people that are coming to me for care, right? That it can- it's okay. And I don't know if that's like my background working in crisis situations or students with intense emotional behavioral challenges or conflict to me isn't necessarily as rocking but sometimes I still need to then kind of put myself back together and then I'm present, right? I can actually be fully there for whatever need that is. But you're right, that goes back to some of those boundary things and some of that self-care stuff. And that's honestly what I see how to kind of balance I'm both being present for you, but I'm also being clear when I'm not.

Right. Yeah. If I'm empty trying to help fill you up, we're both going to be so messed up in the end. It's going to be not great. Yeah, I've been there. I've tried having conversations with people who really needed somebody when I just am not in a place and it just does not go well because then I'm even more drained. How are you drained when you're already at 0%? It's possible to get into the negatives, you know? So, yeah.

Well, and I think that's why we're focusing on presence this month. I think December we get pulled in so many different directions. Someone had sent a meme this morning that was something like, "Hey, on top of all of the crazy family stuff and events and scheduling or whatever, don't forget to dress your kid up like this, this, this, this different holiday creatures every day this week." It's like, this is just the crazy season, right? There's constantly things going on. I think workplace demands are heightened and different industries are also either ramping up for taking time off and so it's how can we do four weeks of work in one. So there's extra pressure there on top of all these social obligations. So, I think this, like, ‘tis the season to not be present, right? Like it is so easy to get pulled in way too many directions and just not feel efficient, successful, like the really what are we doing? There's just too many things. 

And especially for schools, it's kind of felt like that all year. So now you layer all this holiday stuff on top of a pretty difficult year to begin with and man, it is everything in me to say, okay, choose to unplug, disengage, and make sure that I'm okay. Choose to have some boundaries and say, "Hey, I would love to go to that party. Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I've already got another commitment that night. I'm so sorry”, you know? Or maybe send something for them to enjoy at the party as opposed to physically going and being present at that party, right? I think there's those little things that can be kind of helpful this time of year. 

Yeah, I really appreciate a couple of my friends, even at the end of November, when I was like, "Hey, you guys want to hang out and do this and do that?" And they're like, you know, we'd love to! Let's plan to do that after the holidays. And I just so appreciate that because that's like, oh yeah, I still want to get together with you, but it's going to be crazy and we've got kids and we've got events and family and travel and blah blah. Let's do it after the holidays. And I'm like, "Yes, I'm totally there. I just want to see you." Okay? Like that's fine. So yeah, I love that I have friends that will set that boundary and they don't do it in like a yeah, I'll get back to you on that kind of way. It's like a yes, let's totally do that! Just after the holidays, so. 

Well, I think that is a perfect little teaser for our next week's conversation anyway because we're going to be talking about mindful communication and some of that emotional intelligence and how we're embedding that in. So, I think we'll call it a week.

Look at that. All right.

Awesome. Thank you so much for joining.

Hey, thanks for having me.

Alright, talk to you next week.

See you!


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The Power of Presence: Navigating Adaptability, Inclusivity, and Professionalism
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