Host: Heather Volchko
Guest: Chirs Zielinski and Claire Kijewski
Okay, so we are back for the last episode this month, all about self-care. However, we've been talking about all these little bits and pieces, all kind of the nuances and in the weeds all month, the way we're wrapping up this month is we're just focused on how do we take all those bits and pieces, those good ideas and those what ifs and we coulds, and turn it into just business as usual. This is just how we're doing our careers. This is just how we're living our life. We're not waiting for burnout. We're not waiting for frustration.
We are literally just choosing to care for ourselves while we are caring for everybody else in the human services field. That's what we're doing. So I'm just going to open it wide open here. Chris. Claire, like, where are you at when you're thinking, okay, I'm. I need to care for myself, and I'm in that human services field, but this needs to be long-term. This needs to be sustainable. This needs to be a way I can kind of live my life and have a professional career at the same time.
What are some of those AHAs that you're coming up with?
Claire:Well, for me, some of the things that I like to do is, like, on my Monday mornings, I like to plan out and schedule my whole week on different colors according to, like, what I'm doing, to just break down specific points of what I'm doing throughout my week, just so I can have a visual. And that kind of helps me, especially with timing out things, like when directly I'm doing one thing versus another. And then I can start integrating things, like, okay, what it looks like in the morning, I have a free hour, so I'm going to go for a walk.
So, me and my boyfriend will go on a walk because I'm making him join this journey with me. And then I also like to do, like, little mindfulness activities. So, like, if you just search in prompts, like, online sometimes, I like to, like, journal out the prompts and just, like, kind of get my mind flowing so I can come back to myself. So those are two things that I've tried to, like, put into my week. I also know that, like, exercise is super good and super important to you. It's just about, like, the flow of the schedule. Like, can you fit in exercise times throughout your week? And this week, it looks like I can on Wednesday.
So that's what I'm gonna be doing for at least 45 minutes on Wednesday. So. Looking forward to that. Yeah.
Chris:So, with me, I recognize that my capacity is going to change from week to week, from month to month, and over time, even with seasons. And so when I do it, I do something very similar. But the first thing I try and do is I'll sit down and I'll look at what are all the things that are going to be asked of me, and where are all the things I'm going to be asking of other people, whether it's my wife, my kids.
And I start building priority lists for that, like, what are the things that are the absolute necessaries? What are the things that I have a little bit of flex in, and what are some of the things that would be nice to do, but necessarily, I can push off to another time and delay it out? And then from that point on, what I start doing is I actually take an opportunity to look at that schedule, and then I find those gaps, and I pencil myself in my schedule.
And it's something that I've found that's been so beneficial is, as you spend all this time working on yourself and working on others and trying to meet demands of the world around you and all the people around you inside the cell, whether it's your family or your friends or this unit that you have, this cluster. Right, your tribe, your village. I make a point to take that time out for myself. So what you were talking about, Claire, with that, taking those opportunities for mindfulness, I'll do the same thing. Whether it's something as odd as listening to music or mindful eating. Right. You're just concentrating on the one thing, being present, whether it's even washing dishes. I found myself doing this at home.
When you're washing the dishes, you're just washing the dishes. That's all you're doing. It's your opportunity to disconnect, to kind of crawl in, be very flat, very even, very relaxed, and not focused on all the other million things around you that are bouncing. And so it's a lot of organization, but it's a lot of give and take. So I will flex and do more some weeks and less in others because I don't have that capacity.
And I think that that's something that's ultimately very important, is having that communication, recognizing when I can give, when I can take, and it makes it that much more of an exciting journey with another person or a group of people.
Yeah, it's interesting listening to both of you talk about it, because there are so many different strategies. There's so many different kinds of ideas and ways that work for different people differently, but it also works for different people in different seasons. It's reminding me of some of the work that we did last year. We did kind of like an MTSS or multi-tiered systems of support for ourselves, where we looked at 80% of the time, this is the stuff that I need to just, like, keep me human.
And then in those rough patches, like that 15% of the time, this is the extra stuff. This is the, you know, additional layers or the things that I need to make sure that I do actually make time to do, because if I don't, then I'm going to lose my mind. And then in that 5%, like, what are those things that, you know, when crisis happens, when the rug comes out from underneath me and, like, life comes to a screeching halt, what are those things that I pull into and, like, what I. What do I tap into when that just life-ending, shifting, altering type of moment happens, and really spell that out for ourselves so that we know that throughout any given typical week, whatever we wrote on, kind of like the bottom of that triangle and that 80%, it's got to show up somewhere.
And some seasons, it might be more or less or whatever, but it's got to be there. But then we also kind of have our strategies. We also talked about how to then connect with those people if there are people in our 15% that are going to be our phone-a-friends for like, hey, can you remind me why I have this job again? Can you remind me, you know, like, any of those moments where you're going, I need someone to kind of lay into me in that supportive, guiding way, because right now, I'm not in a. I'm not in a personal or professional position to be able to do that. And I need to bring in that community to really help me do that. Part of what we did last summer was connect with those people, let them know that they are those people for you, so that when you do have the phone-a-friend, they're not like, wait, what?
And they're, like, super confused on why you're tapping into them on that way. And they can just be like, cool. Already gave me the heads up on this. I'm here for you. Let's do this. But I think, like, it's really cool listening to you talk about all these things because these are all different ideas that we can put all over that pyramid. And again, each of us would use each of them differently in different seasons and kind of lean into them more regularly if that works for us, or just when we need it, kind of depending on what other things might be filling in those areas for us.
Chris: Yeah. And I think one of the things that's really important as you're doing that is to have a very clear and honest appraisal of what your capacity is and your limitations. And recognizing that that is such a fluid journey. It is going to change sometimes by minute, by hour, by day. But recognizing that and knowing your support systems around you, I mean, you know, if you prioritize what you can shuck off and what you can't, and when you're feeling overwhelmed, listening and trust your feelings, your feelings are going to be right.
They've led you this far. I mean, it's a survival instinct, right?
Claire: I kind of wanted to touch back on, like, the support of people, like, in our lives, helping us with self-care, because I feel like that is one of the things that we, or maybe me, tend to forget a lot about, is, like, that asking for help. Like, I realize and can recognize when I'm in a bad moment, but then it's sometimes a little bit hard for me to be able to reach out for help. And, like, I sometimes feel bad about it. So I feel like maybe that's kind of interesting as well.
Like, you don't want to ask for help sometimes, but, like, you know that you should.
Chris: The vulnerability of it, you know, can be so scary at times, and. And it's something that I'll talk about a little bit later as we go through, but doing that, the hardest thing for me to recognize is asking for that help. And asking that I need a shoulder to lean on did not make me less than; it actually makes you more than it allows you to be more available, to do more than to try and soldier through it, and just bungle the whole thing.
Claire: No, that makes 100% sense. I don't know why in the moment. Like. Like, I know that I can ask for help, and I know that all of my friends and all of my family are right there by my side. But, yeah, it's just like, I don't want to be a burden to anybody, but I feel like maybe there's some things that, like, could be more advocates for, like, people to ask for help in a secure platform.
There are a couple of people on the TLC team that have helped me grow in that area, too, because I myself am, like, I would feel bad if I need to, like, you know, shirk this responsibility or it falls on your plate, or if it's something that I don't take care of, like, I don't want to, you know, like, and have it end up on your plate kind of a thing. And I had people tell me, No, Heather, like, I enjoy doing that.
I would actually prefer to do that. Like, that's not a problem for me. So it was a learning curve for me to come, and I'm still working on it, to come to the realization that things that I don't enjoy doing and things that I'm kind of like, oh, there are actually people that love that and that it is actually a horrible thing for me to kind of grunt my way through it thinking, oh, that's so horrible. Like, why would I ask someone else to do this when in reality they love doing it and they're going to do it better than me because they actually enjoy doing it?
So it's like I actually get to choose to let them do what they love to do. And it's like I'm allowing them that space and that freedom to not only support me in some of these ways, but also just kind of be them, like, do their thing. And because they're doing their thing, they're going to do it better than me. So it's not actually, it's not an affront or, like, a problem. It's preferred and it's desired, which is just such a total mind flip for me, especially when I'm looking at certain things and being like, oh, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to get in the way. I don't want to, you know, like, all these things, and they're going, heck no, this is not how I'm seeing this. Like, I'm seeing this as an opportunity. Load it up. Let's go.
And so I think it's like a reframing of that and just remembering that not everybody sees everything the way that I'm seeing it. And then they can jump in and actually support me if I can remember that they're seeing it that way.
Chris: Yeah. So true. And it's so hard at times when you're in that journey to ask for that help or to recognize those limitations. But I truly believe that if you can work through that inhibition to do it, in doing that process, I think it can empower the others around you to also do the exact same thing. Because at the end of the day, we'll talk about self-care, not myself. I I I. Right ‘I’s will take it to the grave. But the reality of it is, what we do is just as much for everyone else around us as it is for us.
And we also have to model the things that we want to see. You know, if everybody was afraid to ask everybody else for help, how tight-knit really is that village? How tight-knit is that web of those relationships that we've woven throughout the course of our lives, and we'll continue to do so. It just strengthens that bond, you know? And then it's the old saying, motion creates emotion, man. So if there's a scenario where you really need that help, you need someone to move to you and help you, and I'm not physically moved to you, but what I'm saying is just being there to pick that up, oftentimes that emotionality follows behind it, and those people become vested just as you are.
You for them, them for you. I think that that's a hard pill sometimes for people to swallow, and that's really a hard first step, often to take is that appraising your limitations and then recognizing, okay, now, now what do I do with this information? It's just as, just as good as anything. But you have to have a plan. You have to have an ability to reach to someone else, to reach out, because we can't all fix ourselves all the time.
We're not doing it just for us. I mean, let's be honest.
Claire: Another thing I was going to say is we also can't read each other's minds either. That's something that I forget, too. It's like I feel like I'll be thinking something, and I want it to be done. But then I realized I have not said that. I've just been ruminating on this thought for the last couple hours. No wonder it's not getting done because it's just in my head. And I also wanted to bring up an example that directly correlated to something you were saying, Heather, about, like, sometimes just because it's stuff that you don't want to do. So, for example, like, my boyfriend is not really, like, cleaning his room, but I love picking up and, like, cleaning up. So that's, like, one thing that I do for him, and he's like, you don't have to. But it's like, I enjoy the little, like, picking up, you know what I mean? So it's just that's a relation to what you.
Yeah, but I think that connects those the two comments that you just made are so connected. Right? Like, I can only do what other people let me do, which means they have to communicate those things. Which means if I haven't communicated that I actually enjoy these things. And I would love to take that off of your plate. Well, then on the receiving end, it still is kind of like guilt-laden, but it isn't until there's, like, clear communication of both the desire to take it on and kind of the openness to let it go and to let it be done by someone else that it truly has to be openly communicated on both sides to have that moment where one can truly step in and care for or be there for kind of whoever that is, in whatever way that may be. It could just be taking a phone call. Like, I'm good. If you want to vent, call me, let me know. You need Switzerland, and I'm in. Right.
I'll put you. We call it podcast mode. I'll put you on podcast mode. You can have your moment, and then you're okay. You feel better. Awesome. Great. Go have a good day. You know, like, whatever that is, as long as it's communicated and it's okay on both sides. Like, yes, I would love to serve you in that way. And you've actually communicated that you have that need, then. I mean, come on. That is a beautiful thing, but it is so contingent on communication in both directions.
Chris: Absolutely.
Claire: Self-care in general is, like, the bridge to that and communication, because it's very, very hard, and it takes a lot of practice to be able to, like, communicate what you're feeling and then what you need.
Chris: Yeah. And I think the latter part is where a lot of people struggle. You get so stuck in the situation, and just like what you said before, you ruminate on it, and you're stuck, and you ruminate, it cycles around. It cycles around. And sometimes you lose that capacity to sometimes to clearly articulate exactly what you need in that moment. Or even you lose sight of what you need, and you have to rely on that other person.
As we're wrapping up this month on self-care, I want to toss the same question to both of you, because I'm super curious. Claire, you're kind of toward the beginning of your career. Chris, you've been around the block a little bit. So when we're looking at how do we kind of leverage self-care practices in a way that is sustainable, with the goal of then we can continue to show up and care for others. So if that's within our job and our professional practice of caring for other humans, or if that's just in our life and we have other people and loved ones around us that we are responsible for providing that care for them.
What are some of those strategies? Or kind of like, how do you set it up in such a way that it can actually just be sustainable, and it can simply be part of doing life so that you can actually care for those loved ones around you, and then those humans that you are, you know, working with on the daily.
Claire: I think just being mindful is a huge character in play in that factor. Like being mindful of the work-life and balance components, even for some people. Like for me, for example, I'm doing work life and schools and balancing on family on top of that. So I just need to keep mindful. These are my school hours. These are my work hours. This is my time for myself, this is my time for my family, and kind of separating it throughout my days, throughout my weeks, trying to balance is what I've been trying to do.
Chris:And for me to go to that sustainability, it's two parts. You know, one is just constantly doing those check-ins, setting time to do your self-checks, self-care routines, building that in. And then the other one is, I know it's going to sound crazy, but I found that having an accountability partner in that process, you know, if we pick a strategy, we know that over time, what you're really looking at doing is cultivating healthy habits.
And so I need somebody, at least me personally need somebody there to help me on that process, to keep me on track. Sometimes it's as simple as just a basic reminder or it's an open-ended question, hey, how did this go today? Or, hey, were you able to flex this, that, or the other? Did you take time for yourself? Simple question: how are you doing today? Have you put yourself first at all today? Those simple things sometimes are just enough of that accountability partner to know that you're on that journey where you're at.
You're checking in with yourself regularly, and you're making adjustments as you need to be. Because at the end of the day, it is, and I said it a million times over, it's just as much about everybody else as it is for us. And I think that that's what helped me make it sustainable. It's a regular part of the fabric of who I am at this point, and I'm happier for it.
All right, so I'm going to let y'all close us out here. What have we not talked about this month? What are some of those lingering thoughts or things that you wish you would have said in other conversations that we've had just any of those like kind of lingering reflections or last aha's, even if it's just for you, not necessarily for anyone who's listening, but just like the, you know, having this conversation made me think kind of, you know, this differently or remind myself to, you know, maybe bring this in in a different way.
But yeah, just how do you want to close out this month?
Claire: Just keep working on yourself and be nice to yourself. Take time for you and treat yourself like you would treat others around you.
Isn't that the truth?
Chris:Yeah. Yeah. And for me, it'd be, you know, self-care is that active, continuous journey. You're never really going to get to a destination, right? You're going to learn about yourself. You're going to learn about other people along the way. It's scary at first, it really is. But it's something that is so valuable, and it's absolutely worth the try. It's worth the try. See it through. It is a constant, active role, but it's not overwhelming.
It actually is the opposite. It helps you find balance, mindfulness, relaxation, scheduling that time, and just checking in with yourself and others.
Very cool. Well, thank you so much, both of you, for all the time to kind of have these conversations and put yourself out there and share some of your stories and your thinking about this topic. Like we said way back at the beginning of the month, none of us are expert in this area. We are all trying to figure it out along the way. And this has been a really cool kind of series of conversations from everybody in kind of different professional moments and different things kind of spiking for us along the month.
So, yeah, thank you so much for just joining me and having these conversations.
Claire: Thank you.
Chris:Thanks.
